vanity: the quality of being worthless or futile.
every transformation/rebirth/cycle i went through, prepared me to show up as my most authentic self. i refuse to get lost in vanity.
although i went most of my life using things and people in vain as a distraction from the true issue, i didn’t love myself. and i didn’t love myself because i had become everything everybody else projected onto me since birth. how could i love me for everything that wasn’t?
i’ve poured my love into dead situations, out of fear. fear of starting over. fear of being alone. i’ve always known that my love is powerful and pure. yet because i believed and perceived what was untrue about mySelf, i gave and used it in vain until i began to make myself conscious of the decisions i made in relationships and why.
to learn i had never known authentic love, not even from mySelf. because i learned to love myself for all the things i wasn’t. the things my users and abusers loved about me, and i loved them too because it felt like what i needed to get the love from them i was due. giving my love to those who had already shown me they had no intention of appreciating the love i’d given.
my love is a midas touch. whether im pouring it into a person or a creative project. my love is valuable because it’s mine. my love is exquisite because it’s mine. my love is irreplaceable because it’s mine.
over the last two years, i learned to be intentional in everything that i do. i intentionally dove into my subconscious mind to free the parts of myself that have been caged for thousands of years. i intentionally reparented myself and reprogrammed the way my mind works. i intentionally decided to heal from my sexual trauma. i intentionally alchemized all the parts of my story into something powerful and magical.
sometimes ego wants to attach to this enticing practice i use on myself. insatiable. i’ve also had to detach from my healing to take into account all parts of me. to hold space for the parts of myself that like to shy away from self improvement. the parts of me who are in fact more in love with the idea of being “healed and fixed completely.” the parts of me who still do struggle to love every part of me.
there is no part of me that i’ll ever take granted. there is no part of me that doesn’t have a strength. loving myself is accepting and holding space for the part of myself that won’t love everything about myself. but i love her, her perspective is never useless and always appreciated.
my authenticity is my superpower, and it is one of the most beautiful gifts i’ve accepted from God these last two years of my life.
i’ve come to understand, when you don’t know your true Self it’s easy to mistake the things you use in vain, as who you are. but it’s the furthest thing from the truth.
i will lay to rest the part of me who believes anything she has gone through has been in vain. every piece of the puzzle completes beautifully. i lay to rest any piece of me that feels any ounce of love she’s give was taken for granted or not valued.
my Heart kept beating throughout everything it’s been through, how could i ever tell her what she’s given been a waste. my love for people may have not reciprocated but as rare as it is, it will always be invaluable.
everything i poured my love into that in turn left me feeling empty, could never be in vain. because i could’ve allowed it to steal my light, but instead i embraced the darkness and used it to find my way to a me i didn’t think i’d ever know. the person i was destined to be, and as much as the things i’ve been through have left me heartbroken they helped me unbecome someone i never recognized.
a version of mySelf so absorbed in my own vanity, stopping to ask myself about the relationship i had with my vices; rather it be a person or drug, felt like the pointless thing. never looking further than the surface for anything i felt or desired. seeking only to fulfill my most important needs temporarily or through codependency with others [romantically and platonically].
the need to connect, the need to feel loved, the need to be vulnerable, the need to express mySelf. but then i realized my relationship with Self is the very foundation required to unbecome all the things i never intended to be, when the direction of my life was so unintentional and i wasn’t steering the wheel consciously.
i acknowledge this version of myself and i set her free.
heart of gold
looking for value in pain
i turn pain into power
even though i couldn’t see the sunshine through the rain
the skies still cleared
the rainbow still came
and at the end of it
my Heart of Gold, that they could never clone
i would never let all the colors fade away
visions of the world in grey, are what i saw
when i allowed my pain to decide for me
my Heart’s array, dressed in an exterior i never decided for myself
the world told me it was kill or be killed, so i crushed my own heart when i went looking for love where it didn’t reside
i went hoping even though i couldn’t confide
in those i love most
no longer am i searching for what’s already arrived
love packaged and sealed just how i like
loving myself recklessly, out loud, and on my time
breniah b.
there is nothing in life done in vain or pointless. every experience as purposeful as you make it. every meeting intentionally chosen to teach the best lessons each experience can offer. this year i comforted my inner child through things that left me feeling confused or unfinished.
all year long i’ve been gathering all the parts of myself need to construct the most loving, self assured, devoted, hopeful, receptive, action oriented, and faithful version of mySelf. over the last two years i’ve become, learned, unlearned, and unbecome so many different things.
i am grateful for every piece of the puzzle that assisted me in getting here. even the painfully beautiful pieces, that still taught me something about myself or that helped me love myself a little harder.
thoughts of a gemini
breniah
thoughts of a gemini 